Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
