Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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