he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Success! We fucked roommates!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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