Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I deserve this hangover.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
