Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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