I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
