i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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