I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
