Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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