i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
