the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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