Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
he fucked my hip out of place.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
