halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
