i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
We are two peas in an std pod
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
