I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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