Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
