4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
