I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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