I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
