OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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