woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
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If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
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I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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