He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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