It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
