I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
