I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
