There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
