So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
