so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
