nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
