Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
