You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It was like getting head from an anaconda
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
