Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I met the friendliest cop last night
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
