Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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