I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
