If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
