Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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