do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
