I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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