I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
