Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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