i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
zippers are such a cool invention
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
