hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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