A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
