Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Randomize
