Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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