I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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