There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
