My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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