I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
