Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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