I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
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I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
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I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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