May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
