I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
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