if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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