just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
