If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
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Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
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Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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