Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
