So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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