You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think I am morally bankrupt
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
